Why?

I was 7 years old. Me and dad went out to buy a car miniature as a birthday present for a friend of mine. It was a fantastic toy store, this one in Sec-22. The mere fact that it was set up in a basement was over-bearing to my kiddish mind for it gave a feeling of some deep hidden dungeon full of treasure.

I never used to ask for anything from my parents. Just used to remain happy with whatever I got. Somehow it worked out fantastically, for the very fact that would not ask for anything got me more stuff than I otherwise would have got had I asked. I still remember they bought me the 'Little Master' gaming console without me even mentioning it when I would see my friends going gaga about one and still not getting it. Poor blokes!

But this time I could not help. I loved watching Masters of the Universe. Disney still had some time before DD1 would start airing the Disney Hour at 9 A.M on Sunday morning (I just could not wait for the stupid gardening programme called 'Ankur' to end once DuckTales made its present felt).

Where was I...yeah, Masters of the Universe. Skelator was awesome, so what if he was the bad guy. He had the coolest weapons of all. The long stick with a skelaton on top of it. Of course he had to lose every-time, but every appearance was fantastic. 

And there it was, all of it, Castle Grayskull, He-Man, Skelator,The Sorceress, The Power Sword....hell, i could see all my wants in material. As always, I did not ask my dad to get me any. Did not even give a hint about any of it. Months passed, another birthday, another present, another visit to the wonderland, another peep at the toy set and another non-show of my feelings.

And so it continued for about an year and a half. I wanted it badly now. Just if somehow I could get my hands on it, get the entire set and call friends to come over , get their action figures and cars and bikes and GI Joes' and have a blast! I had to ask, and so one fine day I did. 'Of Course' said my dad, 'We'll be glad to buy it for you' added mom. So off we went, to get this king his long awaited castle!

And at the shop, those five words were popped in my ear that any kid that age would die to hear...'Pick All That You want'!  It was finally happening!!!! I could get all that i want, every damn action figure, every damn weapon. Boy, was it heaven! I spent a good twenty odd minutes going through everything that was available. Got every box spread out before me like dry leaves on a windy autumn afternoon. But something was weird. I did not pick anything. Come on, I want it so badly and here I am not picking any of it, nothing, zilch!

I could not explain to myself why what happened happened.

I did not have an answer.

And its happening again. Now. Just that its something more real this time. How can I be so crazy about something but not want it! What is it that is stopping me , that stopped me then?

I do not have an answer.