Punctuation

The pen moved on from an initial exclamation mark(!) to a question(?) The colons(:) and semi-colons(;) were followed by a plethora of thought-provoking options and having encountered many a straddled commas(,) all that could be done was a wait before the stamping of the final fullstop(.)

Then the next chapter began.

Life's the same.

Just Do It

All in all, any pre-emptive measures, all the anticipation, cribbing, anxiety, charm of things we plan out does but extinguish the off-guard elation we might feel had the very same thing been presented with an element of spontaniety.

When you know the outcome, no matter how pleasant it may be, the exuberance is distributed over an elongated time span and all you get is a diffused contradiction of 'I know it will happen but just in case?' doubt and 'I knew it would have happened' prophecy that all but kills the joy.

The only aspect of life where spontaniety has proved to be rather unwelcome is a sad ending. For then, anticipation or its nemesis, coupled with negative thinking proves a blessing, as 100% failure is expected and anything better is a boon.

God may not be playing dice with the universe, but he did give us the idea to roll one! Just do!!!! Let the chips fall where they may. Give chaos a chance. Disorder never ceases to surprise. If you do not spin the wheel, hitting the jackpot is out of the question.

Contemplation

And strolled off he, into the night, on the weary street
splattered the rain against his face,
a little stream with another in race
off the edge of his chin, like neighbours who never meet.

A startled stray did bark his heart, the watchman gazed in suspense,
with pocketed hands, and lowered eyes,
deaf to the night's creatures cries,
walked on he, quiet, silent,along the wooden fence.

And then he took the sidewalk, for water pooled the road,
muddy rapids and whirlpools in sight,
hazy reflection of the clear street light,
a funny amalgamation that nature of man bestowed.

Avoided could have he the demons he fend,
and stay put through the pour,
contained that foot inside the door,
but for the drive to straighten the bend.

And till the static and the living blended,
all became one, for he lost the score,
he desired but a few steps more,
return had he to, for the sidewalk had ended

Blah

a) You know what you want and don't get it.        
b) You don't know what you want and don't get it.
c) You don't know what you want and get it.       
d) You know what you want and get it. 

Curved Line

Its past midnight, you can't sleep.

There is no particular reason. You dribble between the net, TV, cell-phone , throwing one away and catching the next. You talk, you listen, you watch, you laugh, you think, you read, you do everything humanely possible to pass time. If Only.

You can't go out, its raining. And having nothing better to do, you end up siiting outside and observing the rain. Weird occupation of the mind . Trivial phenomenon get magnified and engross you with your eyes wide open, nobody else in your thoughts, no flicker of how the day went by, now anticipation how the next day is going to be, just that patch of a few minutes wherein its just you and the rain and the tree that extends its arm over your balcony. If Only. The deprivation of all other senses makes you marvel the order amongst the chaos.

Vision and mind, both, are encapsulated by misty darkness. A noisy silence. Your attention focusses to the trickle of a thin stream of water making its way across the the plethora of dark green leaves that appear blueish black under the dim light of the lone streetlight . You are so captivated by the path the stream takes that the miss of a single leaf that it should have hit upon makes you feel like declaring war upon God. 

And then, the phone rings. If Only.

The Element of Choice

I never quite get it when they tell me to let life take its own course. Should I just sit around, do nothing and wait for every instance to unravel itself before me and then accept it hands down because, Hey! Thats life, it took its own course!

All of us, whether we like it or not, stand where we are because that is where we chose to be, by doing what we chose to do, listening to whom we chose to listen, believeing what we chose to believe.The point where we blame it all on destiny is when the choices we made/did not make were not what we should have. And the worst category when destiny finds itself taken to the mattresses is where we try half-heartedly. For then, 

1. Success in obtaining the result as we want it to be is almost never the case. Period.

2. 'Hey I tried, I guess thats the way its meant to be' - is the only false solace that we can acquiece ourselves too. (Shame really).

I am not against the idea of fate, I'm against its interpretation. Circumstances are responsible for the outcome limited only to the plane where you need to choose what should happen next. If beyond that things end being as you wish or don't wish them to be, take some responsibility, it was your choice!

I can't promise I'll tame the ocean,
when waves come in crashing ,
or tear the cloak of thunder,
at each footstep the world smashing.
I can't promise astral beings,
all roses and no thorns,
or a stream of crystal gobulets,
pearls and rings and crowns.
I can't promise absence of hurdles,
or abstinence of chaotic stirs,
I can't promise no commotion,
no momentary visionary blurs.
But I promise all you ask for,
and I promise all you ever shall,
and I promise you that I'll be along,
each second, each minute, through it all.

His ineptitude to grasp the jist of the situation left him two choices, none of which he could decide upon. What could have greeted whom he faced could have been a benevolent smile or hideous temper. The tar coal blood that rushed through his veins left him incapable of either as he stood there, his expression incomprehensible, his words without purpose.

His only solace lay in the fact that she faced a similar dilemma. And a sadistic pleasure in watching her wriggle with the flirtatious numbness brought a grin to his face. The gush of a possible million actions kept him exceedingly calm. He was the wick of a candle that had been burning for ages, which now, was no match to the stormy wind.And the calmness was just a masquerade for the flickering that would soon give way to the eventual darkness.

He fixated his gaze upon her, while feigning a false smile to the many curious faces around, oblivious to the chaotic ramblings of the two they accompanied.He noticed her rolling eyes and pressing of lips, a sense of urgency as if trying to bring a wildly swinging pendulum to an abrupt halt but unable to decipher which way its meant to be stopped. The twitch of her eyebrows convinced him that reality, as he wanted it, as she hoped it, lay thousand miles beyond the horizon.

He was so smitten by her denial that her one acceptance made him run away.

Why?

I was 7 years old. Me and dad went out to buy a car miniature as a birthday present for a friend of mine. It was a fantastic toy store, this one in Sec-22. The mere fact that it was set up in a basement was over-bearing to my kiddish mind for it gave a feeling of some deep hidden dungeon full of treasure.

I never used to ask for anything from my parents. Just used to remain happy with whatever I got. Somehow it worked out fantastically, for the very fact that would not ask for anything got me more stuff than I otherwise would have got had I asked. I still remember they bought me the 'Little Master' gaming console without me even mentioning it when I would see my friends going gaga about one and still not getting it. Poor blokes!

But this time I could not help. I loved watching Masters of the Universe. Disney still had some time before DD1 would start airing the Disney Hour at 9 A.M on Sunday morning (I just could not wait for the stupid gardening programme called 'Ankur' to end once DuckTales made its present felt).

Where was I...yeah, Masters of the Universe. Skelator was awesome, so what if he was the bad guy. He had the coolest weapons of all. The long stick with a skelaton on top of it. Of course he had to lose every-time, but every appearance was fantastic. 

And there it was, all of it, Castle Grayskull, He-Man, Skelator,The Sorceress, The Power Sword....hell, i could see all my wants in material. As always, I did not ask my dad to get me any. Did not even give a hint about any of it. Months passed, another birthday, another present, another visit to the wonderland, another peep at the toy set and another non-show of my feelings.

And so it continued for about an year and a half. I wanted it badly now. Just if somehow I could get my hands on it, get the entire set and call friends to come over , get their action figures and cars and bikes and GI Joes' and have a blast! I had to ask, and so one fine day I did. 'Of Course' said my dad, 'We'll be glad to buy it for you' added mom. So off we went, to get this king his long awaited castle!

And at the shop, those five words were popped in my ear that any kid that age would die to hear...'Pick All That You want'!  It was finally happening!!!! I could get all that i want, every damn action figure, every damn weapon. Boy, was it heaven! I spent a good twenty odd minutes going through everything that was available. Got every box spread out before me like dry leaves on a windy autumn afternoon. But something was weird. I did not pick anything. Come on, I want it so badly and here I am not picking any of it, nothing, zilch!

I could not explain to myself why what happened happened.

I did not have an answer.

And its happening again. Now. Just that its something more real this time. How can I be so crazy about something but not want it! What is it that is stopping me , that stopped me then?

I do not have an answer.

Just Shoot Me

The problem with life is simple....

you do it and spend the rest of your life thinking you shouldn't have.

or.....

don't do it and spend the rest of your life thinking you should have.

Why Even Ask?

Its infruriating to be asked to take a decision on something a decision has already been taken upon and then be infruriated for not getting back an answer.

Its like mixing hypocrisy with cynicism!

A Thought

Sometimes you mark a question thinking it will be asked again in case your answer turns out wrong.

What if its not ?

It Could have Been

Opened the eye with your view, 

glorious and serene was the sight,

a touch of beauty and sweet surrender,

a lovely reminiscence that was the night.

The morning wasn't like that, but it could have been.

.

The content heart with all its might,

and the angel that resides in thee thus,

smile that cushioned days of furore,

happiness in unison from dawn to dusk.

The glory wasn't like that but it could have been.

.

Assuaging pleasure to the eyes,

feel of latent beauty galore,

each moment that compels the heart,

to marvel the scenic views in store.

The sight wasn't like that but it could have been.

.

When bereft is thinking of sins of past,

each second of joy an aeon in time,

no uncertainities plaguing the soul,

all served to ears are sonorous chimes.

The story wasn't like that but it could have been.

Good-Bye

The strip of paper, that once a flew,
and land at my feet,though still try,
torn from all edges, and squalid to core,
had all but one word on it, 'Good-Bye'.

It just doesn't matter....

....at all!

I'm Still Here

Broken maybe meanings,

shattered maybe dreams,

the flowing grace of water,

split in a million streams,

and grips the vine of fear,

look-up, I'm still here.

.

Opinions have conflicted,

and people have digressed,

disillusioned quest for unknown,

has left you cold and pressed,

don't think that end is near,

look-up, I'm still here.

.

And time, the old nemesis,

has taken its toll,

when storms and gushing breezes,

won't set the life's ball roll,

worry not my dear,

look-up, I'm still here.

Sometimes....

............... I feel like saying something but the time is wrong.Othertimes, the time is right but I don't have the courage to speak. It sucks.

....and so chugged the train.

It must have been a long day, a day when she could bifurcate her life as the 'WAS' and the "WILL BE'. Packing her dreams and her luggage, she boarded the train, her eyes fixated at the myriad of million unknowns commuters, yet oblivious to each one of them, for they were looking not at them, but tomorrow.
Initially,however,she was unable to grasp the magnitude of the change that was to follow suit.
Each little step that she took in preparation ,slowly, but surely,introduced her to the same.Each step where she was blessed, each step where she was teased, each step where she was congratulated,each step that resembled a leap.
She knew she was amongst the fortuitous few for whom the ever glorious dream comes true, so what if it took its own time coming.
The train chugged on with her and her bundle of emotions towards her home.She waived a silent goodbye to the city, a city that has been her home,a city thats got her where she is, a city she would be leaving soon.
Music and random ramblings of a stranger kept her awake,for the while they could, but eventually had to submit to the desire to sleep, for tomorrow beckons a day when there's a lot to be done.

Little Bit More

Some things lose their charm once you get a closer look at them. They are best appreciated at a distance, a closer view only belittles the resplendent larger than life image you have conceived in your mind.
Take the White House for example. For those who have watched Independence Day, the image of an alien laser beam blasting away the President's abode into countless miniscule particles leaves the mouth gaping with shock and awe written all over it.After all, it is THE WHITE HOUSE!  Honestly,the White House sucks. You walk half way across it to realize the same (that you have already walked half way across it and that it sucks).
Once the curiosity has nearly killed the cat after it has taken a peek-a-boo at whats the truth, all thats left of it is a meek purr and a subdued meow. There's a good side though, the cat is never going to be curious again.
The same logic,when applied to people is no different (not the cat one). Most of the kind that make the first impression on you are mostly never going to live upto it with the subsequent ones.It leaves you with a gaping hole in your belief, a doubt on your judgement. Is your perception about the good things in life flawed? Are you in a world of make believe where you are chasing the wrong things? 

Not at all. Time is the answer. How many times have you or I given ourselves sufficient time to come to a sound decision? Most of our life is lived in the lane of haste as if a foot on the brake will skid us off the highway. We let go of things, people et al only to realise at a later point in time that we should not have, when a mere thought-before-doing would've probably made this world a much better place for us.

And Thats That!

Maybe she has not been in conformity with whats expected of her or maybe because surreal things are expected of her.
I have no clue.
I just know of a headstrong girl who had gone out there to get what she wants and acted on it .has she of late, got a little confused if what she wants is actually what she wants.
I have no clue.
She can still be the kid she's cast adrift towards the marooned island. She can still be someone who'll burst into laughter at the stupidest joke at the drop of a hat. But will she, under a myriad of a thousand observants do that?
I have no clue.
For long now, she's been on her own. Her own support and encouragement in her ups and downs. Of sense and sensibility, whether in times of tense or tranquility. Does she still retrospect on what all she has accomplished and inspire herself when she's down?
I have no clue.
She'll always tell you what she thinks, and do according to what she thinks should be done. I don't say she's always right or wrong,in her judgement and actions. Does she think the same and reconcile?
I have no clue.

All I have a clue of is that she's a simple person caught in a web of conflicting loyalties and confusing patterns. She can fight her way out of it, or wait for the web to itself break off.
Which path will she choose?
I have no clue.

Take Me Back There Anytime!

Not walking on top of the stoned pathway alongside the lake and hopping over any crevice that comes on the way.

Not throwing water balloons at passers by on Holi.

Not filling up a vessel with soapy water and blowing bubbles using a rolled up sheet of paper.

Not sailing paper ships in the gushing stream of water along the street in the rain.

Not giving prank calls to strange people and laughing hysterically with cousins after doing so.

Not hitting the cricket ball in the angry neighbours house and hiding as if you were never a part of any such thing happening.

Not 'accidently' bumping into the girl you like at the water cooler at school.

Not waiting for dad to get you something everytime he returned from some trip.

Not shouting and laughing madly at that late night gathering in the locality with friends and being shouted at in return for the ruckus.

Not envying the kid who got the latest Reebok shoes while you still have Action ones.

Not hurrying to be the first one to submit your answer sheets at an exam or being the one who asked for the most number of extra sheets.

Not excited about Dexters Laboratory airing at 5 PM anymore.

No more victory in convincing parents in letting you  watch that late late night movie.

Not stopping the street hawker and buying the sumptuous sugar candy.

Not cribbing when not allowed to hop onto the rides at the Rose Festival.

Not in any sense does it mean that there are not things now that may enfuse in us the same excitement as these, but,growing up has the biggest price tag,.....our childhood. Is it even worth it?

Bhapaji

We all always thought he should be in ads that endorse smoking. Ram Swaroop " Bhapaji" Manrai had been smoking since the age of seven,  a minimum of 2 bundles of beedis a day, putting a dying one down only to hold a fresh one a moment later. He even humoured that the reason for his energy is the fact that he never smokes less than that! 

He worked as an income Tax officer for the GOI, and was as honest and dedicated as they come. Of course I never saw him during his working days, for he retired as long before me as i am now or even earlier! But I have seen him when he used to come over to our city from Delhi-6 , alongwith Beeji and spend a few weeks.

Bhapaji,the younger brother of my Grandpa and Beeji, the elder sister of my Grandma were married sometime in the late 1940's. I found it amusing and cool as a child, and to be honest, still totally agree with my feelings then. That makes it over 70 years of married life! Their arrival always meant a time of sitting together in closed groups and listening them take out stories one after the other out of a box. What they narrated are, by far,the most astonishing and captivating tales i have ever heard. Be it encounters with ghosts,a funny dig at someone from the family, a personal experience, everyone was spellbound and fixated by the old couple's enthusiasm in what they said and the fervour they said it with.

In 2007, they stayed with us for a month and a half, stepping aside from the initial plan of just a few days. Evertime the topic of there going back would come up, me and my sis would ask them to stay just a week more, and they would. We just didn't want them to go, and I guess they too, waited for us to say so. Everyday morning , Beeji would make me some paranthas for breakfast ,I would get Bhapaji three bundles of 501 and be off to college. 2007 was the same, except I could only meet them for a couple of days, work having taken me away .

While going home next week, I had plans to meet him up on the way. He was in too much of a hurry I guess.

Bhapaji passed away two days ago,aged 86. 

Will love you always. Thank you for being my Bhapaji.:)

At times....

....for no apparent reason, you just don't feel too good!

Imperfection - The Perfect Thing!

As far as my understanding of life goes,the biggest folly any of us ever commits is when we try to change ourselves for someone, or for that matter, the society, which Eddie Vedder correctly put,is a crazy breed.
We are not perfect, we are not meant to be! "We are human after all"....whoever said that ,well, i salute thy genius. This statement symbolises the fact that imperfection is desired of us,we should celebrate follies of our own, doing deeds termed as 'incorrect', 'inappropriate' and whatsoever. But because, we are constantly peltered by conflicting opinions, and the fact that we are obliged to be someone with zero aberrations, or atleast expected to be, we change ourselves. Lo!, we end up committing the biggest blunders of our lives!

You eat too much,you eat too little, you drink too much, why don't you drink?, you are never paying attention, stop being so particular, you are never serious,you are impunctual, you drive rashly, you are an intovert, you are too much of an extrovert....and a million others to follow....too many questions/opinions showered by the scrutinizing eyes that constantly watch us, for no reason.
They say it because they are expected to say it, we do it because we are expected to do it!

I hate that, I dont want to be perfect. I know I do things that may be perceived as wrong,but I am the one who derives happiness by doing them. Isn't happiness supposed to be the driving factor of our life? I love being inaccurate, giving into my desires,indulging.... I love all I do!
And as long as I do that and am happy, give me one good reason why I should stop. Because you or somebody else disapproves? Really, should I give in to that?

The Astraddled Sailor

The storm was a flamboyant evil,

against the placid trees,

and nature a helpless victim,

begging down on its knees,

the waves then pounded relentless,

like fire in hell relentless,

against the cliff relentless,

and into the hideous creek.

.

The captain,marooned,wretched,

gazed little but far into the dark,

fear refused submission,

under the moon,an arc,

he sighed at the lurking danger,

broken by the lurking danger,

agonized by the lurking danger,

that resided in his heart.

.

The ship drifted, untamed,

towards the rocky shore,

the scream of sailors dissolved,

in the venom of ocean's roar,

And Lo! then struck the lightning,

the piercing bolt of lightning,

glaring like the sun the lightning,

into two the ship it tore.

.

Ensued then mayhem,

all scattered like pigeons in flight,

the captain,exhausted,panting,

caught betwixt wrong and right,

the lifeboat lay at an arms length,

hope resided at an arms length,

life whispered at an arms length,

how angels and demons fight.

.

An ode to Alfred Noyes.

Now listen to me carefully....

stop looking for the answers..........there is no question!

Scattered

Scattered is the soul with the burden its under,

scattered are notions in these times of thunder,

scattered are loyalties amongst the crowd that fade,

scattered is trust, broken, betrayed.

Besieged by unknown, the future is scattered,

the present, in debt, finds itself battered,

distance prevails, and friendships are scattered,

triumph when fails,hope stands scattered.

Scattered finds itself the esteemed sense of duty

when heart is deceitful, scattered is beauty.

scattered is ego in this worldly quagmire,

the will when submits, a scattered desire.

Too many questions scatter the sleep,

scattered ideologies, scattered beliefs,

scattered lies, long for one to be true,

scattered I find me, scattered I find you.

Life is......

........all about meeting people.

Some to be loved, some to be hated, some never to be thought about. You will detest somebody to the core of your heart only to be full of admiration at another time. You may  love someone with all your life and then forget them altogether.

There is no concept of a perennial relationship with anyone. Because the other person, or you or the circumstances are bound to change. All that is important, are the roles you play in your own life and how well you do justice to the character you are at that moment.

Neither is there any truth is the notion of getting back what you give. For you will play the part of every single somebody that you see around you. You will be the hater and the hated, you will be the lover and the loved. You will be the star and that guy who never got known. Eventually, you will, at one point or another, be the every single person you see around you. Its all a question of when. Its just like a circle.

Whomsoever you meet, gives you an insight of a way to deal with things for the time when you'll be them. Some call it experience, others wisdom.  You imbibe something good, and do good, you absorb something bad and sin. You can't help it, you are bound to.And in these terms, it seems futile to be ecstatic or depressed at how things turn out to be. Stop thinking about your actions, stop useless pondering abour right or wrong. If you feel like doing something at some moment, atleast you know what you want,dont ruin the chance, just do it. Beacuse if you dont, somebody else will.

Reasons may be different, notions may be different, experiences may be different, but it all comes down to the fact....its all about meeting people.

Reprobation

Watching the cliff hiding the sea, 

I heaved a heavy sigh,

When I was up from the world below,

beyond it all, up high,

and I thought how you get what you give,

all this while as time goes by.

Sometimes I think I'm a wicked weed,

sometimes a godsend,

sometimes the pivot of worldly worlds,

all reality where bends,

but I'm the big black wall,

where every path ends.

To be what i truly am,

or to be someone in line,

of what he wants and truly needs,

extravagant yet sublime,

makes me bad and moral-less,

but I guess thats just fine.